Do's and Dont's for Leaders on the Dance Floor

This is a great article from the Salsa Gang Forums. www.SalsaGang.com

Ok, guys, listen up – Here’s your chance to shine – I’m giving you a gift here, take it now and thank me later. Following is the result of my unscientific survey of what about leaders turn women off the most. Just stop doing all these things that these ladies don’t want you doing. All the ladies who participated in this study are above average dancers and most are advanced or pretty close to it.

I have grouped specific responses into several general categories (in no particular order of importance):

1) Narcissism – dancing for yourself, more interested in connecting with the mirror than with your partner, more interested in who (you think) is watching you than how your partner’s doing, dancing to make yourself and not her look good (which, paradoxically guys, makes you look really bad) or even using her in the dance to try to make yourself look good. No eye contact, acting aloof, looking around. See my first article on dance for more on the narcissist dancer. To be able to diagnose him on the dance floor, ladies, he’s the one that you feel isn’t dancing with YOU at all, that you’re really on your own out there, and that you’re just being used as a tool for him to “get himself off.” You know, like bad sex.

2) Grossness – This one shouldn’t even exist – Shame on you guys! Ok, the items that came up the most were bad breath, body odor and sweat: “When he wipes his sweat with his bare hands and then touches me with it.” And, some practical advice: “Nothing is more gross than having to touch someone’s hairy, wet, stinky hands/arms. If you know you’re a fountain of sweat while dancing, keep a beach towel handy to dry off in between every dance. Bring several shirts and a tub of Mitchum.” Do some people actually have to be told to bathe and brush your teeth before going out to hold women all night? And guys, have a brain, will you – No sleeveless! You may not smell yourself but I can assure you you stink on ice.

3) Sleaziness – Another one that shouldn’t even exist, and I must say I know many decent guys/leads who are appalled by this in other guys as well. This is distinct and separate from grossness, although there is obviously some overlap. One introductory quote in this category: “Not all of us followers are bold enough to tell a leader we don’t want to dance with him, or tell him when he’s hurting us, or is taking advantage of the dance to grope us. Consider, most leaders get more physical contact in a dance than they could expect on a first date. Most followers put up with more physical contact then they’d allow off the dance floor. That said, we all suspend the rules for the sake of the dance, with degrees of personal reservations.”

“Creeping hands” came out at the top of this list: “Placing grubby hands on the small of my back. Totally inappropriate. Hands should be kept in the shoulder blade area at all times.” How about this one: “Walking up to me or behind me and putting your mouth on my ear. WTF?” Dancing with drink in hand is another one mentioned. I won’t even start listing the things that that particular behavior indicates, but I really hope you don’t do that and call yourself a dancer at the same time. Because you’re not.

One more thing, guys – I want you to remember this – You know how you make those glances either directly at her breasts or peek down the front of her shirt? Well, I have news for you – No matter how good you think you are at doing this? She knows! That’s right, they know you’re doing it, and they always know – I don’t care how cool you are about it. They know. They know. They know! And most won’t say anything. They’ll just think you’re the sleazebag that you’re acting like, whether you really are or not, and like wildfire every girl on the scene is going to hear about it and think you’re a sleazebag, and like the ad says – “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” So save it for the strip clubs, guys.

Cubans got high marks for inappropriate groping (Hey, socios, don’t shoot the messenger, ok?!): “When guys think just because they’re Cubans they can go around and grab your behinds or rub themselves on my ass.” This sentiment was echoed several times.

Groping as a general concept was scored real high in distaste, but I think it merits some qualification. There are circumstances when dancing real close, or “dirty dancing,” or ok, let’s just call it “measured groping,” is ok. When the two really know each other and have that kind of chemistry and a trusting relationship that that is ok. When the girl knows the guy and trusts him and that he “gropes” respectfully and safely. And then, of course, those who are dating or otherwise romantically involved can get real nasty out there. But, some of you may ask, why do they need to? Good question, but sorry, another topic, another time. General rule about dancing real close, guys, is: When in doubt, any doubt, DON’T.

4) Lack of Awareness and/or Consideration: Why do I find myself even having to say this? You are not the only ones on the dance floor. Pay attention to people around you, to spatial limitations, and respect other people’s space and their right to be in it. Many of the ladies complain that they are tired of having to apologize to others for stepping on them or getting in their space because the leader throws them there. This happens a lot with the narcissistic dancer who could care less who else is on the dance floor. And, says more than one respondent, you rueda dancers, do your thing, but give us a break, will ya? When the floor is crowded please do not take it up with a rueda – Do it in an area where there is more space. If there isn’t such an area at the time, learn the concept of delayed gratification, ok? Google it, you’ll get 355,000 responses.

I’m gonna break the rule here of ladies opinions only (it’s my piece, so I can) and add my own two cents to this category. How come you guys who think that the bigger and more complicated moves and turns you do makes you a better dancer are the same ones who knock over and step on the rest of us on the dance floor? You’re not only dancing poorly; you’re also being rude and inconsiderate. And this goes toward your partner too: One respondent sates that some leaders do “WAY too much – I’m not so impressed by arm-twisting shoulder-popping turns done to some beat that is not currently playing as much as I am with a basic, on-beat guapea.” Hard leads and “gratuitous spinning” and jerky forceful moves were high on the list of complaints. If any of you know or have seen Roberto Borell dance – Watch how he just dances in closed position, in a circle, and how he puts all you pretzel-makers to shame (and so say the women). One lady aptly put it: “When he chooses to do so many moves that we lose the meaning of the dance.”

Which brings us to: Have respect and consideration for your partner too. Respect her limitations and her strengths. Respect her skills, or lack of them. The purpose of this dance to this song is to make this woman feel good right now. Just remember that and you’ll do fine. Really. My teacher G (whom some of you may have heard of) tells me that the most important connections in any dance are the following, in this order: The partner, the music, and the floor.

5) Consideration (continued): Then there’s the whole issue of consideration before and after the dance. Here’s what some of the ladies said: “If you can’t catch a follower’s eye and hold it or get some other signal that she’s willing to dance with you then she probably doesn’t want to.” And “Grabbing her hand or pointing at her and then the dance floor without approaching her and asking politely.” Ok guys, do we really need to go over this? I guess so: Walk up to her, make eye contact. If she avoids your eye contact move on, she’s not interested, and if you push it she may say yes but she’ll just go through the motions and you’ll both have a lousy dance. If she does meet your eye contact, smile, extend your hand, and ask her to dance. Did you hear me? I said ASK her – do not come up from behind and tap her on the shoulder, TELL her or point to the floor, grab her hand, and pull her onto it. I can’t believe how often I see this. Even among friends, it’s disrespectful. Remember the primary rule of life, folks: Above all be kind. Respect.

And what if she asks you and you don’t want to dance with her? Do it anyway. She’s offering you her body and her time, guys. Use them both kindly. And if you must say no, do not, I repeat, do not turn around and dance with some hottie half her age who can’t dance half as good. You see, women really don’t like that.

Other comments from the ladies: During the dance smile, make eye contact, ENJOY yourself, do not be cool, and do not, ever, try to teach her something on the dance floor. It’s the wrong venue for that and she doesn’t want that and chances are you’re wrong anyway. If you see two ladies dancing let them be – They are doing just fine, thank you, and they don’t need YOU to “rescue” them.

After the dance, you guys who just roll over after having sex and go to sleep – you can’t do this on the dance floor, ok? While it has become uncustomary for us to escort the follower back to where you got her, at least make eye contact, smile, and say “Thank you!” Do not just turn around and walk away. Yes, even if it was not a great dance, you still owe someone a “thank you” for their time, which is the most valuable commodity any of us has to offer, simply because it is non-refundable.

What about when she rejects you? So? WTF about it? Maybe she’s tired, maybe she’s busy, and maybe, just maybe, she’s just not into you. BFD, guys, let it go, put your ego aside, leave her alone. Chances are there are plenty of others who would love to dance with you. And if there aren’t, just go back and re-read this article and maybe you’ll figure out why.

Dr. Bill

www.drbillsblog.com
drbillperry@comcast.net.

August 2008

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