Do’s and Dont’s Part 2: The Guys Speak Out This Time

This is Part Two of Do’s and Dont’s of Leader and Followers on the Dance Floor. If you haven’t read Part One, check it out here.

(Rising crescendo): Ladies and gentlemen - Here now the long awaited (drum roll please) Part 2 of Turn-Offs on the Dance Floor, this time featuring what specifically turns guys off about the girls! For those of you just tuning in, I recently did a completely unscientific study of what bugs women most about men on the dance floor - What kinds of things turn them off the most. The results (see my previous article in the salsa archive) were interesting if not surprising, and my hope is that they may plant a few seeds, open some eyes and perhaps in some small way help us all out. You know, it’s so easy, just in general in life, to get caught up in whatever it is we’re doing and (not maliciously) forget that what we’re doing effects those around us, sometimes not very nicely either, no matter how well-meaning we are.

Of course if you’re not well-meaning, well, then what I’ve been writing isn’t going to help you or change anything, nor are you likely to read this or anything else that you might find critical. You’ll continue to be a self-aggrandizing fool that’s the only one who thinks you’re really doing any good out there, and you’ll never have enough narcissistic self-feedback to feel satisfied with yourself or anyone else. Sorry, am I being too vague?

Seriously, though - I think that most of us, by a huge margin, really are well-meaning, and really are open to feedback and really are willing to take a look at ourselves and change if it seems that it might help us and those we dance with. If I may generalize, dancers are on the whole very nice, respectful, good people, and however critical I may sound please remember that that is my basic premise. My intention in these articles is to raise some consciousness, not ire, so please take whatever I say in that spirit.

Some general comments: First, and quite interestingly, overall I found that guys had a much harder time coming up with complaints about the ladies than the ladies did about them. There were a lot less specific things guys mentioned that turns them off on the dance floor. “Why is that?” you might ask. Well, at least it’s the question I asked, and I came up with four possible explanations (which are not mutually exclusive):

1) Guys are less picky, more tolerant and less likely to complain. They just enjoy the positive and don’t make big deals out of the negatives. Further, men are just less likely in general to complain than women are.

2) Guys just appreciate the dance more and as such are more likely to overlook their partner’s faults. One respondent stated: “I am usually just happy to be dancing with someone.”

3) Guys are so grossly over the top in their bad qualities that the women’s shortcomings pale by comparison, leaving, relatively speaking, very little to righteously complain about. One (male) respondent aptly put it: “The freaky-women to freaky-guy ratio out on any given night is very small in my opinion…We really have no leg to stand on [as it were] when it comes to complaining.”

4) Women are just objectively and in general better behaved/mannered and more considerate and respectful than men are. This, of course, gets reflected on the dance floor and therefore there is simply less about them to complain about.

Another general observation is that a disproportionate number of the guys’ complaints were of ladies’ behavior off the dance floor, while in the previous survey, most, if not all of the girls’ complaints about the guys were of the guys’ behavior during the dance itself. Interesting. Let’s get back to that later, ok? You’ll see what I mean.

First I want to digress profanely for a moment, if I may - Try this - Go back over everything that I just wrote (starting with “Some general comments:”) with sex in mind instead of dancing. Yeah, right?! Sorry - I know it’s off-topic but some things are just too funny to be ignored. Please forgive me. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah…ok…

Compare and contrast:

One of the biggest complaints women had about men in my previous survey was grossness and sleaziness - bad breath, body odor, inappropriate touching, groping, etc. This was, almost unanimously, a non-issue for the male respondents. Bad breath and excessive sweat were mentioned very briefly by only two guys. None mentioned inappropriate touching or groping. One guy, interestingly, mentioned getting violated by too much eye contact! So women score for hygiene and for manners/respect during the dance.

But where women came up way shorter than men was on the issue of respect, consideration, and rudeness off the dance floor! There was a clear gender differential here, with men seeing women as much more prone to being rude than women seeing men that way. One common complaint was: Turning you down for a dance and then dancing with someone else, often in the same song. If I turn someone down I one: Certainly do not dance with someone else to the same song and two: Find that person later and ask her to dance.

You know folks, dancing, like life, isn’t, or shouldn’t be, all about “What’s in it for me.” It’s about, or should be about, at least as I see it, giving, passing on joy, and letting it come back around to you; and come back it will, I promise. I will make you an absolute guarantee right here and now: If you do something for someone (like dance with her/him) even when you don’t want to, you will go home feeling better about yourself. I promise. Try it.

Another frequent guys’ complaint was about women (and you ladies know who you are) who only dance with their little clique of “cool guys”(e.g. Cubans) and forget that we all were beginners once; and that perhaps the reason guys wanted to dance with you when you were just beginning had a lot more to do with your cleavage than your dance skills or your natural charm. I make it a point, in life in general, to try to give away what was given to me, so I try to always ask a beginner to dance. Because I know what it’s like to sit there all night and try to muster up the courage to ask a girl to dance and then that feeling of I can’t wait till the song is over because she must be hating every minute of this, etc., etc., etc. Be kind, people - It’s always a good investment.

A couple of guys with girlfriends expressed (understandable) amazement that some women have the audacity to interrupt them while they are cozying up with their significant others and ask the guy to dance, while ignoring his girlfriend! Ladies, what’s up with that? Really, I would like someone who does this to explain that one to me! Please, I’ll give you five bucks, ok? The other off-the-floor complaint that came up more than a few times was that women get into all these little (or not-so-little) dramas with each other and others, that it creates a real “negative energy,” and it was kindly suggested, and I’ll second that motion, that you leave that drama at home, or anywhere else.

The narcissistic dancer was noted by men and women, but there seem to be a lot more men narcissistists than women, at least based on my non-scientific (but very astute, brilliant, entertaining and non-narcissistic) survey. Some of the guys’ comments that would fall into this category were: “…they dance by themselves, not paying attention to the lead.” Not making eye contact was a very common complaint. Don’t worry, ladies, we are not going to interpret a sweet glance as a sex proposal, ok? And if we do you should have the appropriate tools to deal with it. Look at me. Smile. I alluded to this in my first article but I’ll say it more specifically here: A dance is a brief and intimate and sensuous and completely compartmentalized encounter. It neither implies nor suggests anything at all beyond the parameters of the song that happens to be playing at that moment. Anyway, here’s what I do when a woman has her eyes all over the place except on me while I’m dancing with her: I just stop and ask, “Who are you looking for? Do you need to stop? Can I help you find him/her?” That usually puts an end to it, as well as my ever dancing with her again.

Several guys spoke of women acting overly dramatic on the dance floor - One, (I love this!) called it “Faux Latin Passion,” - The attempt at looking sexy but really looking more like you’re “convulsing on the dance floor.” Another respondent called it the “over-dramatic-look-at-me super crackhead watch-me-shine dancers.” Now that description needs no further comment, and I think we’ve all seen it. It’s not sexy. It’s silly.

Some of the complaints were the same as the ladies’: Not a strong enough connection, too strong of a connection, being disengaged. In comparing the women’s and men’s’ peeves most of the common ground was in the area of lack of awareness and consideration - for your partner and for others: Being aware of space, of other dancers, connecting with your partner, being present with your partner and for your partner, making (and breaking!) eye contact, and overall just trying to make your partner feel special and allow him/her to make you feel special. Can’t we all do that for five or six minutes at a time? Once again, my friends, it all comes down to kindness and respect, and not being totally clueless.

Since this is my article, I’ll take the liberty to list my own personal pet peeves, about leaders and followers, in order from least to worst:

1) Look at me. Dance with me. Make me feel like there is something special, however small it may be, about me.

2) Don’t stink. Can I make that more clear? Is anything more easily fixable? Don’t stink!

3) Guys stay the **** away from me on the dance floor ok? Either you’re good enough to know better or you are bad enough to be extra careful. Watch your space and respect others’ space - It’s not all about you!

4) Ladies, don’t turn me down just to dance with someone else who is just as good a dancer as I am but cuter.

5) Ladies, don’t turn me down to dance with someone who is a worse dancer than I am but cuter!

And finally, let me close with a quote from my friend and respected member of our Bay Area scene here, Mr. Rick W. aka Dark Rum, who says it better than I can:

“I strongly feel that ladies (and men) should always take a chance with respect to all those involved to dance with each other. People, this is your chance to meet someone new and make new friends. Ironically, with it being called ‘salsa’ you’re adding new ingredients with each dance. If you don’t know a guy, that is no reason not to dance with him. Basically, try to dance with someone new every once in awhile, keeping the African proverb in mind: ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ I believe we are all responsible for each others’ progress in this social dance.”

Dr. Bill

www.drbillsblog.com
drbillperry@comcast.net

October 2008

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